33 Funny Wedding Readings For Your Ceremony

We are all aware that weddings are a special occasion to honor love and pledge to spend a lifetime together.

But they can also be fun, especially when you inject some humor into the proceedings.

Why not consider adding one of the many funny wedding readings available?

These readings can be a great way to lighten the mood and create an enjoyable atmosphere for all guests. 

Examples of Funny Wedding Readings For Your Special Day

From classic love poems to funny and light-hearted readings, there’s something for everyone. Here are just a few examples to get you started. 

1. “A Word to Husbands” by Ogden Nash

To keep your marriage brimming,

With love in the loving cup,

Whenever you’re wrong admit it;

Whenever you’re right, shut up.

2. “Be My Homer” by CJ Munn

Be my Homer

I wanna be your Marge.

If I’m your Norfolk Broads

Will you be my barge?

Let’s please be Tom and Barbara,

I will show you The Good Life.

Even though we’re not yet married

I would love to be your wife.

I’ve the passion Lily Munster

has for her dear Herman.

I would love you if you were ginger,

I would love you if you were German.

Like Mr and Mrs Huxtable,

We’d smooch even when we’re wrinkly.

I’ll even consider ironing your shirts,

But I hope you like them crinkly.

Like Mr and Mrs Incredible

I’m flexible and you’re tough.

But if you promise to be my true love

That will always be enough.

Like Bonny and that Clyde guy

without all the dying.

Like Gwyneth and that Coldplay man

without all the crying.

My partner in crime, the love of my life,

My muse, my joy, my fun.

Please be my one and only,

Cos you’ve always been ‘The One’.

3. “I Like You” by Sandol Stoddard Warburg

I like you and I know why

I like you because you are a good person to like

I like you because when I tell you something special, you know it’s special

And you remember it a long, long time

You say, Remember when you told me something special

And both of us remember

When I think something is important you think it’s important too

We have good ideas

When I say something funny, you laugh

I think I’m funny and you think I’m funny too

Hah-hah!

I like you because you know where I’m ticklish

And you don’t tickle me there except just a little tiny bit sometimes

But if you do, then I know where to tickle you too

You know how to be silly – that’s why I like you

If I am getting ready to pop a paper bag,

then you are getting ready to jump

HOORAY

I like you because when I am feeling sad

You don’t always cheer me up right away

Sometimes it is better to be sad

You can’t stand the others being so googly and gaggly every single minute

You want to think about things

It takes time

I like you because if I am mad at you

Then you are mad at me too

It’s awful when the other person isn’t

They are so nice and oooh you could just about punch them on the nose

I can’t remember when I didn’t like you

It must have been lonesome then

Even if it was the 999th of July

Even if it was August

Even if it was way down at the bottom of November

I would go on choosing you

And you would go on choosing me

Over and over again

And that’s how it would happen every time

4. “What’s Mickey without Minnie?” From manticorethegreat.deviantart.com   

What’s Mickey without Minnie,

Or piglet without pooh,

What’s Donald without Daisy?

That’s me without you.

When Ariel Doesn’t sing,

and Pooh hates honey,

when Tigger stops bouncing,

and Goofy isn’t funny.

When Peter Pan can’t fly,

and Simba never roars,

when Alice no longer fits

through small doors.

When Dumbo’s ears are small,

and happily ever after isn’t true,

Even then, I won’t stop loving you.

5. “I Rely On You” by Hovis Presley

I rely on you

like a camera needs a shutter

like a gambler needs a flutter

like a golfer needs a putter

like a buttered scone involves some butter

I rely on you

like an acrobat needs ice cool nerve

like a hairpin needs a drastic curve

like an HGV needs endless derv

like an outside left needs a body swerve

I rely on you

like a handyman needs pliers

like an auctioneer needs buyers

like a laundromat needs driers

like The Good Life needed Richard Briers

I rely on you.

6. “I Like You” by Ben Rector

There’s no need to complicate it

Dress it up or overstate it

Without too much hesitation

Here’s the way I feel

Well, I like you, I like you

Even when I don’t try to

Yes I do, that’s the truth

I like you

7. “He Never Leaves The Seat Up” by Anon

He never leaves the seat up

Or wet towels upon the floor

The toothpaste has the lid on

And he always shuts the door!

She’s very clean and tidy

Though she may sometimes delude

Leave your things out at your peril

In a second they’ll have moved!

He’s a very active person

As are all his next of kin

Whereas she likes lazy days

He’ll still drag her to the gym!

He romances her and dines her

Home cooked dinners and the like

He even knows her favourite food

And spoils her day and night!

She’s thoughtful when he looks at her

A smile upon his face

Will he look that good in 50 years

When his dentures aren’t in place?!

He says he loves her figure

And her mental prowess too

But when gravity takes her over

Will she charm with her IQ?

She says she loves his kindness

And his patience is a must

And of course she thinks he’s handsome

Which in her eyes is a plus!

They’re both not wholly perfect

But who are we to judge

He can be pig headed

Whereas she won’t even budge!

All that said and done

They love the time they spent together

And I hope as I’m sure you do

That this fine day will last forever.

He’ll be more than just her husband

He’ll also be her friend

And she’ll be more than just his wife

She’s be his soul mate – till the end.

8. “Grow Old With You” by The Wedding Singer

I wanna make you smile whenever you’re sad

Carry you around when your arthritis is bad

All I wanna do is grow old with you

I’ll get your medicine when your tummy aches

Build you a fire if the furnace breaks

Oh, it could be so nice, growing old with you

I’ll miss you

Kiss you

Give you my coat when you are cold

Need you

Feed you

Even let you hold the remote control

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink

Put you to bed when you’ve had too much to drink

Oh, I could be the man who grows old with you

I wanna grow old with you

9. “A Good Wedding Cake Recipe” by Anon

4lb of love

1lb of good looks

1/2lb of sweet temper

1lb of butter of youth

1lb of blindness of faults

1lb of pounded wit

1lb of good humour

2lbs of sweet argument

1 pint of rippling laughter

1 wine glass of common sense

A dash of modesty

Put the love, good looks and a sweet temper into a well-furnished house. Beat the butter of youth into a cream and mix well together with the blindness of faults.

Stir the pounded wit and good humour into the sweet argument, then add the rippling laughter and common sense.

Work it together until everything is well mixed and bake gently forever.  

10. “Marriage” by Anon

Marriage is about giving and taking

And forging and forsaking

Kissing and loving and pushing and shoving

Caring and sharing and screaming and swearing

About being together whatever the weather

About being driven to the end of your tether

About sweetness and kindness

And wisdom and blindness  

It’s about being strong when you’re feeling quite weak

It’s about saying nothing when you’re dying to speak

It’s about being wrong when you know you are right

It’s about giving in, before there’s a fight

It’s about you two living as cheaply as one

(you can give us a call if you know how that’s done!)  

Never heeding advice that was always well-meant

Never counting the cost until it’s all spent

And for you two today it’s about to begin

And for all that the two of you had to put in

Some days filled with joy, and some days with sadness

Too late you’ll discover that marriage is madness.  

11. “Love Is” by Adrian Henri

Love is…

Love is feeling cold in the back of vans

Love is a fanclub with only two fans

Love is walking holding paint stained hands

Love is.

Love is fish and chips on winter nights

Love is blankets full of strange delights

Love is when you don’t put out the light

Love is

Love is the presents in Christmas shops

Love is when you’re feeling Top of the Pops

Love is what happens when the music stops

Love is

Love is white panties lying all forlorn

Love is pink nightdresses still slightly warm

Love is when you have to leave at dawn

Love is

Love is you and love is me

Love is prison and love is free

Love’s what’s there when you are away from me

Love is…

12. “I Wanna Be Yours” by John Cooper Clarke

I wanna be your vacuum cleaner

Breathing in your dust

I wanna be your Ford Cortina

I will never rust

If you like your coffee hot

Let me be your coffee pot

You call the shots

I wanna be yours

I wanna be your raincoat

For those frequent rainy days

I wanna be your dreamboat

When you want to sail away

Let me be your teddy bear

Take me with you anywhere

I don’t care

I wanna be yours

I wanna be your electric meter

I will not run out

I wanna be the electric heater

You’ll get cold without

I wanna be your setting lotion

Hold your hair in deep devotion

Deep as the deep Atlantic ocean

That’s how deep is my devotion

 13. “I’ll Be There For You” by Louise Cuddon

I’ll be there my darling, through thick and through thin

When your mind’s in a mess and your head’s in a spin

When your plane’s been delayed, and you’ve missed the last train.

When life is just threatening to drive you insane

When your thrilling whodunit has lost its last page

When somebody tells you, you’re looking your age

When your coffee’s too cool, and your wine is too warm

When the forecast said “Fine”, but you’re out in a storm

When your quick break hotel, turns into a slum

And your holiday photos show only your thumb

When you park for five minutes in a resident’s bay

And return to discover you’ve been towed away

When the jeans that you bought in hope or in haste

Just stick on your hips and don’t reach round your waist

When the food you most like brings you out in red rashes

When as soon as you boot up the bloody thing crashes

So my darling, my sweetheart, my dear…

When you break a rule, when you act the fool

When you’ve got the flu, when you’re in a stew

When you’re last in the queue, don’t feel blue

’cause I’m telling you, I’ll be there.

14. “Some Things Go Together” by Charlotte Zolotow

Pairs of things that go together.

Pigeons with park

Stars with dark

Sand with sea

and you with me.

… Hats with heads

Pillows with beds

Sky with blue

and me with you.

15. “To My Valentine” by Ogden Nash

More than a catbird hates a cat,

Or a criminal hates a clue,

Or the Axis hates the United States,

That’s how much I love you.

I love you more than a duck can swim,

And more than a grapefruit squirts,

I love you more than a gin rummy is a bore,

And more than a toothache hurts.

As a shipwrecked sailor hates the sea,

Or a juggler hates a shove,

As a hostess detests unexpected guests,

That’s how much you I love.

I love you more than a wasp can sting,

And more than the subway jerks,

I love you as much as a beggar needs a crutch,

And more than a hangnail irks.

I swear to you by the stars above,

And below, if such there be,

As the High Court loathes perjurious oaths,

That’s how you’re loved by me.

16. “Yes, I’ll Marry You” by Pam Ayres

Yes, I’ll marry you, my dear,

And here’s the reason why;

So I can push you out of bed

When the baby starts to cry,

And if we hear a knocking

And it’s creepy and it’s late,

I hand you the torch, you see,

And you investigate.

Yes I’ll marry you, my dear,

You may not apprehend it,

But when the tumble-drier goes

It’s you that has to mend it,

You have to face the neighbour

Should our labrador attack him,

And if a drunkard fondles me

It’s you that has to whack him.

Yes, I’ll marry you,

You’re virile and you’re lean,

My house is like a pigsty

You can help to keep it clean.

That sexy little dinner

Which you served by candlelight,

As I do chipolatas,

You can cook it every night!

It’s you who has to work the drill

and put up curtain track,

And when I’ve got PMT it’s you who gets the flak,

I do see great advantages,

But none of them for you,

And so before you see the light,

I do, I do, I do!

17. “Your Personal Penguin” by Sandra Boynton

“I like you a lot.

You’re funny and kind.

So let me explain

What I have in mind.

I want to be your personal penguin.

I want to walk right by your side.

I want to be your personal penguin.

I want to travel with you far and wide.”

18. “Let me put it This way” by Simon Armitage

“Let me put it this way:

if you came to lay your sleeping head against my arm or sleeve, and if my arm went dead,

or if I had to take my leave at midnight,

I should rather cleave it from the joint or seam than make a scene or bring you round.

There, how does that sound?”

19. “All I Ever Really Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten” by Robert Fulghum

All of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do, and how to be, I learned in Kindergarten.

Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sandbox at nursery school.  

These are the things I learned…

Share everything.

Play fair.

Don’t hit people.

Put things back where you found them.

Clean up your own mess.

Don’t take things that aren’t yours.

Say sorry when you hurt somebody.

Wash your hands before you eat.

Flush.

Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.

Give them to someone who feels sad.

Live a balanced life.

Learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day.

Take a nap every afternoon.

Be aware of wonder.  

Remember the little seed in the plastic cup? The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.

Everything you need to know is in there somewhere.  

And it is still true, no matter how old you are when you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.  

20. “Love Me When I’m Old” by Bee Rawlinson

Love me when I’m old and shocking

Peel off my elastic stockings

Swing me from the chandeliers

Let’s be randy bad old dears.

Push around my chromed Bath Chair

Let me tease your white chest hair

Scaring children, swapping dentures

Let us have some great adventures

Take me to the Dogs and Bingo

Teach me how to speak the lingo

Bone my eels and bring me tea

Show me how it’s meant to be

Take me to your special places

Watching all the puzzled faces

You in shorts and socks and sandals

Me with warts and huge love-handles

As the need for love enthralls

Wrestle with my damp proof smalls

Make me laugh without constraint

Buy me chocolate body paint

Hold me safe throughout the night

When my hair has turned to white

Believe me when I say it’s true

I’ve waited all my life for you

21. “Oh, the Places You’ll Go” by Dr. Seuss 

Congratulations!

Today is your day.

You’re off to Great Places!

You’re off and away!

You have brains in your head.

You have feet in your shoes.

You can steer yourself

any direction you choose.

You’re on your own. And you know what you know.

And YOU are the guys who’ll decide where to go.

You’ll look up and down streets. Look ’em over with care.

About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.”

With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,

you’re too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any

you’ll want to go down.

In that case, of course,

you’ll head straight out of town.

It’s opener there

in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen

and frequently do

to people as brainy

and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen

don’t worry. Don’t stew.

Just go right along.

You’ll start happening too.

22. “Getting Married Means You’ll Have” by Nicholas Gordon

Getting married means you’ll have

Someone’s hand to hold,

Even when you’re feeling sick,

Even when you’re old.

It means when you sit down to eat,

Someone will be there,

So you won’t have to tell your day

To an empty chair.

It means that when you need some help,

Someone will help out,

Someone always near to you

So you won’t have to shout.

But best of all is when it’s time

To turn out all the lights:

You won’t have to be alone

Those long and scary nights.

So even though you don’t have toys,

You don’t have to care:

Once you’re married you can be

Each other’s teddy bear.

23. “We are all a little weird” by Dr. Seuss 

We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.

24. “A Vow” by Wendy Cope

I cannot promise never to be angry;

I cannot promise always to be kind.

You know what you are taking on, my darling –

It’s only at the start that love is blind.

And yet I’m still the one you want to be with

And you’re the one for me – of that I’m sure.

You are my closest friend, my favourite person,

The lover and the home I’ve waited for.

I cannot promise that I will deserve you

From this day on. I hope to pass that test.

I love you and I want to make you happy.

I promise I will do my very best.

25. ”ATLAS” by U.A. Fanthorpe

There is a kind of love called maintenance, which stores the WD40 and knows when to use it;

Which checks the insurance, and doesn’t forget The milkman; which remembers to plant bulbs;

Which answers letters; which knows the way The money goes, which deals with dentists

And Road Fund Tax and meeting trains,

And postcards to the lonely; which upholds

The permanently rickety elaborate

Structures of living; which is Atlas.

And maintenance is the sensible side of love,

Which knows what time and weather are doing

To my brickwork; insulates my faulty wiring;

Laughs at my dry rotten jokes; remembers

My need for gloss and grouting; which keeps

My suspect edifice upright in the air,

As Atlas did the sky.

26. “Falling In Love Is Like Owning A Dog” by Taylor Mali

Falling in love is like owning a dog

First of all, it’s a big responsibility, especially in a city like [insert city].

So think long and hard before deciding on love.  

On the other hand, love gives you a sense of security: when you’re walking down the street late at night and you have a leash on love ‘ain’t no one going to mess with you.  

Because crooks and muggers think love is unpredictable. Who knows what love could do in its own defence?  

On cold winter nights, love is warm. It lies between you and lives and breathes and makes funny noises.

Love wakes you up all hours of the night with its needs. It needs to be fed so it will grow and stay healthy.  

Love doesn’t like being left alone for long. But come home and love is always happy to see you.

It may break a few things accidentally in its passion for life, but you can never be mad at love for long.  

Is love good all the time? No! No!

Love can be bad.

Bad, love, bad!

Very bad love.  

Love makes messes. Love leaves you little surprises here and there.

Love needs lots of cleaning up after. Sometimes you just want to get love fixed.

Sometimes you want to roll up a piece of newspaper and swat love on the nose, not so much to cause pain, just to let love know don’t you ever do that again!  

Sometimes love just wants to go for a nice long walk. Because love loves exercise.

It runs you around the block and leaves you panting. It pulls you in several different directions at once, or winds around and around you until you’re all wound up and can’t move.  

But love makes you meet people wherever you go. People who have nothing in common but love stop and talk to each other on the street.

Throw things away and love will bring them back, again, and again, and again.  

But most of all, love needs love, lots of it.

And in return, love loves you and never stops  

27. “Love Actually”

“Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport.

General opinion’s starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don’t see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere.

Often it’s not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it’s always there – fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends.

When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge – they were all messages of love.

If you look for it, I’ve got a sneaking suspicion love actually is all around.” 

28. “When Harry Met Sally”

“I love that you get cold when it’s 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich.

I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you’re looking at me like I’m nuts.

I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes.

And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it’s not because I’m lonely, and it’s not because it’s New Year’s Eve.

I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

29. “Gravitation” by Albert Einstein

“Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

How on earth can you explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?

Put your hand on a stove for a minute and it seems like an hour. Sit with that special girl for an hour and it seems like a minute.

That’s relativity.”

30. “A Lovely Love Story” by Edward Monkton

The fierce Dinosaur was trapped inside his cage of ice. Although it was cold he was happy in there. It was, after all, his cage.

Then along came the Lovely Other Dinosaur.

The Lovely Other Dinosaur melted the Dinosaur’s cage with kind words and loving thoughts.

I like this Dinosaur thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur.

Although he is fierce he is also tender and he is funny.

He is also quite clever though I will not tell him this for now.

I like this Lovely Other Dinosaur, thought the Dinosaur. She is beautiful and she is different and she smells so nice.

She is also a free spirit which is a quality I much admire in a dinosaur.

But he can be so distant and so peculiar at times, thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur.

He is also overly fond of things.

Are all Dinosaurs so overly fond of things?

But her mind skips from here to there so quickly, thought the Dinosaur. She is also uncommonly keen on shopping.

Are all Lovely Other Dinosaurs so uncommonly keen on shopping?

I will forgive his peculiarity and his concern for things, thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur. For they are part of what makes him a richly charactered individual.

I will forgive her skipping mind and her fondness for shopping, thought the Dinosaur. For she fills our life with beautiful thoughts and wonderful surprises. Besides, I am not unkeen on shopping either.

Now the Dinosaur and the Lovely Other Dinosaur are old.

Look at them.

Together they stand on the hill telling each other stories and feeling the warmth of the sun on their backs.

And that, my friends, is how it is with love.

Let us all be Dinosaurs and Lovely Other Dinosaurs together.

For the sun is warm.

And the world is a beautiful place.

31. “Bridled Vows” by Ian Duhig

I will be faithful to you, I do vow

but not until the seas have all run dry

etcetera: although I mean it now,

I’m not a prophet and I will not lie.

To be your perfect wife, I could not swear;

I’ll love, yes; honour (maybe); won’t obey,

but will co-operate if you will care

as much as you are seeming to today.

I’ll do my best to be your better half,

but I don’t have the patience of a saint;

not with you, at you I may sometimes laugh,

and snap too, though I’ll try to learn restraint.

We might work out: no blame if we do not.

With all my heart, I think it’s worth a shot.

32. “Tin Wedding Whistle” by Ogden Nash

Though you know it anyhow

Listen to me, darling, now,

Proving what I need not prove

How I know I love you, love.

Near and far, near and far,

I am happy where you are;

Likewise I have never larnt

How to be it where you aren’t.

Far and wide, far and wide,

I can walk with you beside;

Furthermore, I tell you what,

I sit and sulk where you are not.

Visitors remark my frown

Where you’re upstairs and I am down,

Yes, and I’m afraid I pout

When I’m indoors and you are out;

But how contentedly I view

Any room containing you.

In fact I care not where you be,

Just as long as it’s with me.

In all your absences I glimpse

Fire and flood and trolls and imps.

Is your train a minute slothful?

I goad the stationmaster wrothful.

When with friends to bridge you drive

I never know if you’re alive,

And when you linger late in shops

I long to telephone the cops.

Yet how worth the waiting for,

To see you coming through the door.

Somehow, I can be complacent

Never but with you adjacent.

Near and far, near and far,

I am happy where you are;

Likewise I have never larnt

How to be it where you aren’t.

Then grudge me not my fond endeavor,

To hold you in my sight forever;

Let none, not even you, disparage

Such a valid reason for a marriage.

33. “The Promise” by Eileen Rafter

The sun danced on the snow with a sparkling smile;

As two lovers sat quietly, alone for a while.

Then he turned and said, with a casual air

(though he blushed from his chin to the tips of his hair),

“I think I might like to get married to you.”

“Well then,” she said, “there’s a thought.

But what if we can’t promise to be all that we ought?

Can you promise me, say, that you won’t rage and shout,

If I’m late yet again, when we plan to go out,

For I know I can’t promise I’ll learn to ignore

Dirty socks or damp towels strewn all over the floor.

So if we can’t vow to be all that we should

I’m not sure what to do though the idea’s quite good.”

But he gently smiled and tilted his head

Till his lips met her ear and softly he said

“I promise to weave my dreams into your own,

that wherever you breathe will be my heart’s home.

I promise that, whether with rags or with gold I am blessed,

Your smile is the jewel I will treasure the best.

Do you think then, my love, we should marry – do you?”

“Yes, she said smiling, “I do.”

Final Thoughts

So, there you have it – a few funny wedding readings that will add some fun to your ceremony.

But don’t forget, the best readings are always those that resonate with you and your partner. So choose wisely!